Utopian Pudding

Well, I haven't felt much like posting lately. I think I'm going to blog on my flickr account instead of here. I'm always inspired to say something about my photos and it will keep a record of Sarah's childhood nicely. I'm due to renew my typepad account in January so I have until then to decide to continue here or close the account. Just wanted my few readers to know so you wouldn't keep checking a stale blog.

A New To Me Couch

Sunday was all about getting a couch that my SIL generously offered to me when she was picking up her girls yesterday. I couldn't believe my luck because I've been wanting a wrap around couch for like ever!

So while Randy and Andrew (BIL) were getting the couch, I did the prep work. 

The outgoing couch was given to me by my other SIL about 5 years ago. I've held a grudge against it because I slept most of my pregnancy on it and it was very uncomfortable but I was just a little sad to think it was going to get yucked up on the curb. No need for guilt though because it was claimed by my neighbor's extended family in under twenty minutes. The friend of the family who was living in as a nanny was excited because it was going to be her bed. I said, "Well bless your heart." because, well, that grudge. I hope she had sweet dreams last night. Randy swears it is comfortable but then he's had to become a regular patient at the chiropractor this last month. Coincidence? Perhaps.

So I spent the afternoon vacuuming it and then washing the floors (finally!) and by dinner time I was sore and tired and a wee bit grouchy. I was not going to play the hero and start cooking dinner and instead made a run for burgers and fries which put me right again. The cats have had their backs up at this new smelling piece of furniture (that lived in a home with four other cats) but they finally settled down and gave it their approval.

 

Can My Cousins Come Over?

The short answer was Yes. The long of it though was this question repeated daily, sometimes hourly with many explanations as to what day of the week it was (No honey, it's a school day.) and how to spell A-V-A and J-E-N-N-A. Not to mention all the speculation as to what their favorite colors were (pink and green, respectively) and what they wanted for christmas (not Barbie stuff.) And as a pile of Sarah's coloring pages and drawings stacked up, reserved special for her cousins I realized the sooner the better for a play date.

Please notice the cats babies. Jenna was behind the puppet curtain preparing for a Punch & Judy type of puppet show that puts the other two in squealing fits of laughter. I made two pizzas for lunch but Sarah and Ava basically ate two plates of cheese puffs followed by some chocolate chip cookies.

Jenna is seven and loves to read. We all piled onto the bed and had story time.

The cousins were over for about six hours. During that time they played Play-Dough, coloring, puppet shows, Zhu Zhu hamsters (fighting over the pink one,) games called Animal Rescue, Doctors (Sarah declared herself the nurse,) and a little game called Mommy-Daddy-and-Baby (poor Jenna is always designated the Mommy.) More sugar. Oh, and then the train set got scattered about and then blocks.

Blocks created much discussion and bargaining over who got what blocks and what they were going to build and when they were going to knock them down. Skippy cat pretty much decided the knock down time.

And then it was time to go home and the minute their parents walked in Sarah quietly disappeared into the back bedroom and cried. They stayed a bit longer letting her have some more play time. But finally we had to wave them goodbye and instead of "Can my cousins come over?" it was, "I MISS MY COUSINS!" and "I NEED KIDS." So I gave my teary girl lots of hugs a warm bath, took her to Target and bought her a toy. 

To the top!, Mom

The Pumptoberfest held at Park Avenue Baptist was a much more elaborate affair than I had imagined. I knew we were in for A LOT when just driving to the church had us flanked by parked cars a mile out. It was a moment when I was so grateful that Randy was driving us because I was almost defeated by the prospect of parallel parking in such a hectic scene. But instead The Daddy dropped us off at the entrance and went on to park and make the long walk back himself.

I had never been to Park Avenue before and it's a beautiful church and campus with the friendliest people. I can see why my sis-in-law and her family make it their Sunday home. There were many little game stalls set up where the kids could play and pick out candy. The people manning those stations couldn't have been nicer, and everything; the food, game stalls, multiple bouncy houses and horseback riding were free. I had to talk Sarah out of the horseback riding (way too big beasties) but she swore on the ride home that the brown one had winked at her.

The girl climbed into a bouncy house for the first time and had a bouncy blast. And before you knew it, the event was over and everyone was heading into the sanctuary to watch a magician. Now Randy really wanted to go as well (he loves magic) and us girls had to pull rank so we could make it home in time to go trick-or-treating.

I was so grateful I had made a pot of chili earlier in the day and it was home waiting for us in the crock pot. I scolded our neighbor, Mr. Tom, as he pretend trick or treated us, but was really attempting to scare Sarah with a horrifying mask. "Tom! I told you NOT TO DO THAT!" He was a little chagrined but was obviously having as much fun as the kids.

I took Sarah around the block and she was as happy and excited as I remember being as a kid. "I want to fill my bucket to the top!" she would exclaim repeatedly. We had a great time. The neighbors made much fuss over my girl and I made much fuss over their dogs. There just isn't a better holiday for catching up with the folks who live alongside you.

The morning after has the house a complete wreck. There are toys EVERYWHERE, the kitchen is piled with last night's meal, the laundry, well it is mocking me and my feet hurt. But it was a magical night and I'm grateful for Sarah who declares us "The best mommy and daddy in the whole world."

 

Halloween Eve

Yesterday I took Sarah to Target for some last minute Halloween preparations, a leotard to put under her princess costume and some candy. And I prayed to just get through that trip without buying her a toy or ordering take-out food for lunch or dinner. She was a little trooper and I am planning meals to get through the weekend without doing the fast food thing. Quiche, French Dips, Pizza and Chili are on the menu so please sweet baby Jesus help me make it to Monday morning.

At Target I bought some little puzzles to give out and mini packs of playing cards and also some stretchy mice. I would've loved getting a small toy in my treat bag as a kid so I am looking forward to putting them in the neighbor kids' bags. Although we are planning to take Sarah to Park Avenue Baptist Church for their Pumpkintoberfest and will have to make it home in time if we are to pass out the goodies.

Sarah is enamored with her new leotard. She asked me if I could please teach her some ballet. And when I said I needed to wash the outfit she clutched the little bow on her chest and said, "I don't know, I'm worried about my bow getting messed up." So, next on my list, find dancing lessons for the girl.

And Ta Da! Here is my little Princess Tiana. I look forward to seeing her mix it up with the other kids at the festival. I will take pictures (and bring a skirt because I think the costume, deemed a little itchy, might be a tosser after an hour.)

I found the Disney store

Sarah and I have a love for toys in common. And it being near christmas time I enjoy thinking about what toys she would really like and browsing for them online and making lists and then just day dreaming about her happiness come christmas morning. And it just so happens that my girl likes Disney princesses. That is so lovely. I would cherish my daughter every bit as much if she were to become a tomboy and want to play outside, but right now, she likes being a princess and gets quite distressed if she ever becomes sweaty, hot and dirty. She even sometimes drinks from her sippee cup with one pinky finger up in the air and doesn't even know it. Of course my grandma and I don't miss the smallest nuance when it comes to this kid and that one had us cracking up.

Most mornings finds Sarah at some point toting around the Cinderella purse she has and putting on the play earrings and necklaces, bracelets and ring while singing "Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful" long and loud. And yesterday when I put her Princess Tiana halloween costume on and put her hair up in a bun she stayed in front of the mirror for fifteen minutes admiring the effect.

I find myself, like most mothers of little daughters, completely encouraging this princess fixation. There are subtle lessons being taught in this play on good manners, a kind heart and even a standard code of honor expected from any (well in the future) prince that may enter her life. Right now her Daddy is her Prince as it should be.

But oh, I have found the Disney store online. And look what I found for Sarah's christmas:

This is the Disney Princess & Me: Aurora, Sleeping Beauty. They have a version in every princess but I know that pink is Sarah's favorite. There's even a pajama outfit to go with her. Oh, I can just imagine the Oooohhh! factor on christmas morning. I'm so excited! For her, I'm excited for her. Yeah, that's it.

Getting out my toys

I really move at a snail's pace when it comes to my art. I must have been planning and dreaming of playing with my watercolors for months now. This morning I finally dug out my old art school tackle box, cleaned it and organized my paints, pencils and markers.

And I made the nice discovery that I need to buy a pad of watercolor paper. Because I really like buying art supplies more than I like sitting down to create. I recently had a revelation about my painter's block from a workbook by Betty Edwards (Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain.) 

Telling yourself that you will draw for an hour each day, or even an hour each week, rarely works. The commitment of even that much time will probably seem too great. You must remember that your brain's language mode — the left-hemisphere, verbal-analytic brain mode — does not want you to draw at all, because it becomes "set aside" while you are drawing. The language mode is very good at presenting reasons why you should not draw: you need to pay your bills, you need to call your mother, you need to balance your checkbook, or you need to tend to business.

One is always fighting the delaying tactics of the verbal system, whose mantra is "Not now."

That is definitely my malaise. And I do find those precious pockets of time, just yesterday I spent valuable could be painting time reading a romance novel. Sinful in Satin was a great read (giving me words like malaise) though it left me feeling guilty and pressed for time. Instead of spending the evening cooking and cleaning the kitchen I asked Randy to bring home McDonalds. I may have garnered some outside play time with Sarah but that durned cheeseburger was mean to me after I ate it and I went to bed with a tummy ache. Serves me right.

So today heralds another day for all my good intentions regarding housekeeping, diet and possible painting, (after I buy some watercolor paper.) I'm going to take Sarah for circle time at the library, have a late lunch at my grandma's house, stop by the grocery, cook dinner and I really need to wash the floors before the man comes to spray for bugs tomorrow. But tomorrow morning, I'm going to lay down some color washes and just play with my toys again for a little bit before Sarah wakes up.

We made a house

So I've been promising Sarah I would help her build a house for her Polly Pocket dolls. The ones that they sell are flimsy and cost almost forty bucks so I thought I'd take a grade school diorama approach. And yesterday became the day to make good on that. So I dragged out all my crafting supplies and found a sturdy old shoe box and the girl and I stayed in our pajamas until noon making a helluva mess.

I used three rolls of double sided sticky tape to avoid any glue smell or drying time. And Sarah had fun picking out what papers to use for the lining, and putting on the butterfly and lady bug stickers herself.

I think it came out better than anything I could've bought for her, and it was a way to play with the dolls.

Yesterday also had us talking about bullies. It's been in the news enough that Sarah picked up on the word and wanted an explanation. And we had just watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer via Netflix and Sarah made the connection herself between my explanation of bullies and the mean reindeer in the movie that teased Rudolph. I was so proud of her.

There was also this manners moment we had not too long ago when Sarah spoke out loud about a woman in a public restroom we were in that "had short hair." I know that lady heard her and so I gently explained as we walked away that we should never call attention to a person's looks unless we are saying something nice about them. And so lately while we are out in public Sarah will say multiple times regarding multiple women, "That lady has pretty hair." Sarah's other compliments include, "You smell like strawberries," and "Pretty furry bottom." (said while she caught me coming out of the shower.)

Bless her heart, she is doing her best to be her own best self and I find it humbling to be the one that is guiding her and shaping her world view.

Randy and I are having a bit of fall out regarding the loss of Kayla. He is feeling guilty. Well we both are because we worry about her getting put to sleep. Suddenly, too him at least, having animal feces in the house doesn't seem like such a big deal. But really the house vibe is much less stressful right now with just the three cats. There are actual long pockets of time when all of them are outside doing their thing and it's peaceful. And Skippy has become much more affectionate, needing us now to replace the companionship she had with her sister.

I have found where the animal shelter has posted Kayla's picture online for adoption. Randy wants me to call and arrange for them to contact me if they're going to have to euthanize her but he doesn't really understand that they won't work that way. The people running the shelter understandably view me as The Bad Guy and do not want to reassure me of a happy ending. It's tempting to just give my husband a pretty lie and put him out of his misery, like I have for our daughter, but I'm not going to go there. If we end up going back to four cats it will be because Randy went down and picked up Kayla himself and promises me (perhaps in blood) that he will adapt gentle manners when, not if, the cat repeats the offense. 

 

And now there are three

Well yesterday had me in a moment of crystal clear clarity of just how I was going to handle The Little Pooper. At any moment this tiny package of fur and purr was able to just decimate the peace of my family and I had just had enough. So I took Kayla to the humane society yesterday and put her up for adoption (and sadly as all us grownups know possible euthanasia.) I refused to pray to God about it beforehand because I was fixated on my course of action and I did not want to hear a small voice of compassion and censure to dissuade me, but I sure have prayed since then for forgiveness and for Him to fix my mistake and give our Kayla a happy ending. I just shouldn't have even let her be born, it is just an awful testimony to getting cats neutered and I did know better, I just didn't do better.

So that is that. We are feeling the hole in our cat family but as the person who actually takes care of them I am feeling a relief. Three cats I can handle. Three cats is more reasonable and I don't feel like they are coming and going everywhere I look. The other cats haven't reacted to Kayla's absence. I think cats just live in the present moment and as long as they're getting their canned food and strokes they are content. And like I explained to Sarah, I was becoming a very angry mommy because of Kayla pooping and peeing in the house and by letting her find a new family I am able to be nicer to the cats that we are keeping forever.

I had to do some fast talking with Sarah and get it done while I had her on board with the idea. We went straight from the humane society to Target and I let her pick out a Polly Pocket set. So my penance for giving up Kayla is occasional pangs of guilt, a bit of depression and dressing miniature dolls in itty bitty clothing whenever Sarah asks it of me. For her part, Sarah didn't cry about it, just expressed sadness and regret and I have kept up a running dialogue of a bright and happy future for us and for Kayla. I am realizing that as hard as I thought this would be for Sarah, she is okay as long as I am okay and I gave Kayla up so I can be okay in the long term.

Paul Gallico wrote a poem called Honorable Cat and the last lines have always haunted me but especially now. May I remain an honorable friend to the cats I am keeping and never forget what it cost the one I gave up.

Honorable Cat

I am Cat.

I am honorable.

I have pride.

I have dignity.

And I have memory.

For I am older than you.

I am older than your Gods; the Tree Gods, the Stone Gods,

The Thunder and Lightning and the Sun Gods

And your God of Love.

I too can love

But with only half a heart

And that I offer you.

Accept what I am able to give

For were I to give you all

I could not bear your inevitable treachery.

Let us remain honorable friends.

 

Saturday Haircut

I went happily to my haircut appointment yesterday determined to get it all chopped off. And I did. And it looks great. Even though fishing my husband for compliments is a waste of time. "Do you like my hair?" Long Pause. "Uh yeah, it's short." Sarah however was enthusiastic and even declared that she wanted to cut her hair short so she can look like mommy. I explained that if I could have long princess hair like her, I totally would, but I'm old and long hair just doesn't work for me.

But, oh, the freedom of having it cut short is wonderful. I'm doing an internal Ellen jig. I'm determined to lose that extra 20 pounds and fit into my "I lost 20 pounds jeans." I'm going to finally ship shape the side room, make all my dreaded doctor appointments and live within a budget. A good haircut makes this all seem reasonable. The world is an open door of possibility. And it only cost $25! I am going to keep it this way and not do my biannual haircut emergency thing.

After my haircut yesterday I dashed over to my grandma's house to show it off. Then I came home and gathered my little family for our weekly trip to the mall. We had a nice walk around. I bought Sarah a new princess baby doll and for myself a copy of Little Women. I have a beautiful hardbound copy in my library that belonged to my mother, but it is so careworn that the precious illustrations and pages will fall out if I try to read from it. So now I have a paperback version published by Barnes & Noble Classics. At Barnes & Nobles they have a whole shelf of classics and the very front page of each book has multiple quotations taken throughout the text. So, I can get a feel for how the book will read and if it's worth my time. I haven't read Little Women since I was in 8th grade and I'm interested in Louisa May Alcott and her connections to Transcendentalism. 

One thing happened at the mall that I have to relate. We went in to this girly boutique store and no sooner did we step one foot in the door than a sales girl swooped down and handed Sarah a little shopping basket and pointed her to the princess items. I'm all WTF?! And Sarah was just delighted with the attention and walked over to grab the first princess item she saw like it was christmas morning. I gently steered her away from it and we left. It's not the first time this has happened and perhaps more times than not this results in a sale, but for me it's completely off putting. Perhaps now is the time to teach my little mall goer how to say, "We are just looking, thank you."

For dinner we went to our usual place, Steak -n- Shake. They are great because kids eat free on the weekend and they have Sarah approved food (mandarin oranges and mac-n-cheese and my cheese fries.) I (with my new haircut in mind) chose a healthy turkey club over a steak burger and stayed away from those cheese fries. But I was extra proud of myself because I remembered to order water for me and Sarah and that saves like four dollars (and besides, we got a strawberry shake instead to share between us.) So for our whole mall outing last night we stayed in our cash budget. Yay for us. 

By the time we got home it was eight o'clock at night and we were attacked by hungry kitties. I scrambled around to feed them critters, get Sarah showered and jammified and then she had a cuppa hot chocolate and I had a cuppa tea and it was time for bed. Randy always gets to stay up and watch his ever growing collection of Dolph Lundgran movies.

And now, here I sit writing in my blog, it's almost noon on Sunday. My great haircut is now standing straight up in the air because I've yet to shower. I have, however, consumed two cups of coffee, one blueberry muffin and a small glass of cranberry juice. I guess it's time to start my day. On the agenda is cleaning the cat box (I know sexy,) laundry, meals (in house!) and a trip to the park for the girl. It's a beautiful day for it all.